This is an unashamed trawl of rag-pieces from my archives – some of it is very old – some of it is not very good – some of it is painfully derivative – and some of it deserves to be forgotten – although with the political stuff, I remain firmly convinced that politics is one of those areas of life where a few good but subtle lines by a poet can do more to drive home a message than any series of TV documentaries or newspaper editorials. In fact looking through some of this material, I'm appalled to see some of the things I was writing about in 1991 (the folly of City financial institutions) is still a major problem 17 years later...


AN ODE TO REFORM

“Here is my long awaited Bill,”
Said the Lord Chancellor, dour Lord Mackay.
“It will promote the legal skills,
And for the Bar be a poke in the eye.

“As legislation goes,
It’s a very weighty matter.
But I do not suppose,
That will make my critics scatter.

“Reform of the legal profession,
Has already been hotly debated.
And to avoid further dissension,
All decisions are to me delegated.

“So shed no further tears,
For the loss of all your old liberty.
And let there be no jeers,
For rule by advisory committee.”

Published in Solicitors Journal – 15 December 1989


ODE TO A RAM CACHE

When choosing a new computer,
At the start of a fresh decade,
Buying Micro Channel from Big Blue,
Could be the best thing you ever do.

Unless you happen to think
That a system called Eisa,
Offers an architecture,
That’s considerably nicer.

And if OS 2,
Could be good for you.
Just think how Unix,
Could help in a fix ?

Published in Practical Computing – January 1990


CITY LIMERICK

There was a young lady from Sark,
Who thought buying shares was a lark.
Then down went the Index,
And out came the Kleenex,
The poor girl had misjudged the Mark.

Published in Accountancy Age – 22 November 1990
Shortlisted for The Teacher’s City Scribblers Awards 1990


MORE DISINFORMATION

You are surely taking the piss,
When you claim not to know of Diss.
Perhaps you were thinking of Liss –
Or is your geography amiss ?

Published in Journalists Week – 15 March 1991


HESELTINE’S TASK

Imposing their charge on the nation,
The Tories had hoped for elation.
But the protests, they grew,
And soon everyone knew,
That Poll Tax was just a damnation.

Published in Local Government News – March 1991


THERE WAS NOTHING LIKE A DAME

And it’s farewell to Lady Shirley Porter,
Who started life the man from Tesco’s daughter.
Once you had Westminster beneath your thumb,
Though critics said your policies were dumb,
Like selling cemeteries for just fifteen pence,
You must have known it would cause great offence.
So while you kept the poll tax down of late,
You’ve clearly passed your Party’s sell by date.

Published in Local Government News – April 1991


THE CROOKED COUNTIES

So say goodbye to dull Cleveland,
Welcome back pocket Rutland,
Cheer the return of the Ridings –
Hope these reforms bring good tidings.

Heseltine’s changing the countryside,
Next to go – Avon and Humberside,
As counties devised by Redcliffe Maud,
All go back on the drawing the board.

Published in Local Government News – May 1991


WHAT SILLY BANKERS

The councils thought it would help raise some cash,
But the House of Lords their hopes did soon dash,
Now they’re impaled on the Town Hall railings,
All caught out by their own rate swaps failings.

And the banks thought they had a wizard scheme,
But the profits proved to be just a dream,
This brush with County Hall left them reeling,
When they saw their loss on rate swap dealing.

Published in Local Government News – July 1991


THE VIEW FROM THE LIVER BUILDING

Liverpool, city in the northern sun,
Your political life seems so much fun.
Liberal, Militant and Labour come and go,
Yet the council still keeps running out of dough.

The Mersey Beat and the Liverpool Tate,
Even Michael Heseltine’s garden fete.
All were very warmly praised in the press,
But none of them helped solve your financial mess.

Liverpool, old heart of the Merseyside,
Your chances have all gone out with the tide.
Now it looks as if the folk you call scouse,
Must permanently dwell in the doghouse.

Published in Local Government News – August 1991


HALF A CHEER FOR THE CITIZEN’S CHARTER

Nearly eight hundred years after,
King John signed the Magna Carta,
John Major, to muffled laughter,
Unveiled his Citizen’s Charter.

But what’s the point of a league table,
Or tenants charters for town halls,
When councils are not even able,
To budget for Poll Tax shortfalls ?

Published in Local Government News – September 1991


GIMME SHELTER

Where have all the council houses gone ?
They have all been flogged off everyone.
How much did privatisation make,
Was the policy all a big mistake ?

The private rental market lies stone dead,
So we pay for bed and breakfasts instead.
Now Shelter warns there is a housing gap,
Says we must put cheap homes back on the map.

Published in Local Government News – October 1991


LIVESTOCK IN MY LETTUCE

Mushrooms are cheap
we pick them in the woods for free.
Hello? Is that a toadstool
on the plate in front of me ?

Those free-range eggs
our neighbour gave us yesterday
her gesture was sweet –
but should they really smell this way ?

Plump red tomatoes
hand-picked fresh from the vine.
Yuk! That’s not very nice –
there’s a slug crawling over mine!

Today, while we were having lunch
a caterpillar crawled across my plate.
He was looking for his brother
who I think I just ate.

That’s it! This rural lifestyle
may have much in its favour
but tonight we’re off to the takeaway –
fast food’s got more flavour!


BLACK TIES AT SUNSET

Invited to a gala dinner
in aid of Third World famine relief
we won’t be getting any thinner
pigging out on fresh salmon and beef

Now for the pudding course and coffee
as some dreary raffle prizes are drawn
Too much to drink – then home by taxi
Black-ties at sunset, red-eyes at dawn


ROOTS

Apple pie without cheese
is like a kiss without a squeeze
After 30 years of living in the South
my Northern roots I still betray
by the food I place within my mouth

Published in Body & Soul anthology (United Press) 2005
Published in Poetic Reflections anthology (Anchor Books) 2005


DRIVETIME

Is there a God up there in Heaven ?
who cares for us drivers
on our endless journeys
all along the A47

Some kindly Deity among the stars
who created Milton Keynes
to justify us buying
satellite navigation for our cars ?


THE KAFFOON THAT KADDANCES IN THE DARK

You’ve heard tales of the Aye-Aye, the Kinkajou
the cute Koala and the fearsome Krocodidledoo
But have you heard of the mysterious Kaffoon?
The Kaffoon that kaddances in the dark

With his pinky baldy belly and his feet ever so smelly
The Kaffoon is the laziest beastie there ever did was
Oh the Kaffoon, the Kaffoon that kaddances in the dark

He sleeps all day and he sleeps all night
Just getting him out of bed takes us all our might
That’s the Kaffoon, the Kaffoon that kaddances in the dark

With his big wet nose and his long pointy toes
In between sleeps he likes nothing better than to doze
Wake up Kaffoon, the Kaffoon that snoozes in the dark

When his tea’s on the table, he stretches and yawns
In case he just might be able, to work up an appetite
Get up now fatty, you Kaffoon that kaddances in the dark

His idea of exercise, is a five minute stroll in the park
Then he’ll kaddash around in circles, chasing his ktail for a lark
That’s you dafty boy, the Kaffoon that khowls at the Moon


Kaffoon, Kaffool, Kaffooey or Kaffoodle
We don’t know your breeding but you sure ain’t no poodle
You’re our Kaffoon, the one and only Kaffoon that kaddances in the dark

Published in Funny, Furry & Frightening (Anchor Books) 2005
Published in Animal Antics anthology (Anchor Books) 2006


DOWNTIME

My email service will not download
the internet link is fried
there’s no signal on my PDA
and my wireless modem’s died
My cell phone battery has run flat
the voicemail system won’t play back
so I’m logging off from work today
and I won’t be coming back


ENDED BEFORE IT BEGAN

Lacking inspiration and destination
We had set out with no clear journey plan
Not the best way to start any vacation.

By train to Paris then on to Milan
But a strike at the cross-channel ferry
Sent that itinerary straight down the pan.
We adjourned to a bar where she drank sherry
“I may as well go back to work” she said with her smirk.
It was not just this trip we were going to bury.
“This fiasco” she added “is all your handiwork
I’m not sure you will ever be forgiven.”
So I waved goodbye and walked away into the murk.

Later, driving my car alone along the A11,
I realised there really was a God up there in Heaven.

Published in Materials of the Mind anthology (Anchor Books) 2005


THE MOUSEY WITH THE LONGIEST TAIL IN THE WORLD

“First it was a little, then it was a lottle
It used to be scruffy, before turning fluffy
I used to love cheese but now I prefer nuts
that sway in the trees with the breeze,” said The Mouse
The Mousey with the longiest tail in the world

“He used to be small but now he’s growed tall
Perhaps he’s a rat – or even a cat !”
said all the other mice that night in the house
the house that called itself the home of The Mouse
The Mousey with the longiest tail in the world

“You dafties, you dunces, you are such silly mouseys”
Said Henry the Hedgehog in his green plaid trousers
“That mouse you think special is really a squirrel !”
And that is the end of my tale of The Mouse
The Mousey with the longiest tail in the world

Published in Whispered Voices anthology (Anchor Books) 2005


COULD YOU DISPLAY MY POSTER AS WELL ?

Don’t you know who I am ? I’m that dreadful woman
Whose braying voice disturbs you in public places
And in supermarkets jumps the queue, right in front of you
Then, during rush hour, turns up at railway stations
To ask endless questions about obscure destinations.
I’m so full of my own airs and graces
As for other people’s feelings, I don’t give them a thought
In fact I’ve just left my car in your parking space
But I do hope I can still rely on your support
In the forthcoming electoral race?

Published in The Many Hues of Life anthology 2005


FRIENDS REUNITED

Old flames reignited
Dangerous liaisons invited
Current partners slighted
Divorce lawyers sighted


EAR TODAY AND GONE TOMORROW

As my Mum cuts my hair
she says I’ll be glad to hear
she’s taking lots of care
not to cut off my ear

If she cuts off my ear
I’ll be glad if I can still hear !


GENERAL ELECTION 2005

So Maggie Thatcher had to take a foreign holiday
Rather than watch the Tories in election disarray.
If only she’d left the country in the 1980s
British industry wouldn’t now be in the state it is.


BENEATH THE TREE

We squeeze the gifts beneath the tree
To see if we can guess what lies within.
Hard and heavy – this feels like a book to me
That's a pity, I was hoping for a DVD.
This one rattles when its shaken
Must be chocolates unless I’m mistaken.
Then a bottle – could be sherry
That’ll keep the old aunties merry.
Here’s a brolly, how very jolly
Tightly wrapped in paper decorated with holly.
And who sent me a pair of slippers?
They’re about as welcome as week-old kippers.
Never mind here comes the Christmas dinner
Roast turkey and pudding is always a winner.
Then we’ll all sit back with bulging belly
And fall asleep in front of the telly.

Published in Goodwill to all Men anthology (Anchor Books) 2006


AT THE DINNER PARTY

We’re like moths
flittering around your Chardonay fueled flame
Listening to well-honed anecdotes
we’ve all heard before
– and will certainly hear again